This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize