Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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