She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
