Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
