I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
