this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
