Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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