Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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