I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
It's blow job season.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
