my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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