Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
