I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
