dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
