One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
