alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
