No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
