What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
