I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my phone needs a breathalizer
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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