Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
