By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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