I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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