i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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