There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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