You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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