It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
