Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
