Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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