i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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