My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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