I want to walk on stilts...naked
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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