remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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