Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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