I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We were destined to go to rehab together
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
