I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
