She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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