I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
