the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
