Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
