oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
