I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
