You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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