i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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