He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
