I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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