He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
