I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
