Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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