It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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