I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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