just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
