your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A+ Viking dick
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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