lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize