He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
