All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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