At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
