My liver just broke up with me...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
