can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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