No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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