May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
