I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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